Life is so quiet over here all of a sudden. In a matter of weeks we will welcome our daughter into our little world and everything we’ve prayed for and dreamed of over the last four years will have begun. Yet even though this time of long awaited arrival is upon us, I can feel a quietness in my soul, a hush over our home as if everything and every room is silenced in peace over the wonder of answered prayer and peace that our anticipation is bringing with it. Her room has been ready even before we knew she existed.

It seems that Faith happens even when we don’t realize it.

4 years of tears, and prayers, and asking why, and trusting God while simultaneously doubting myself, resulted in the moments I’m living out today. I’m carrying my daughter in my womb and that reality will never lose its hold on me.

Though even in the quiet, I will admit I am still learning to let go of my fears. God has directly intervened in our little world and has graciously and miraculously given us the sweet baby we have yearned so long for. I trust Him. I’ve seen what He can do. I have felt His workings in my bones. I have seen His fingerprints all over my life and now in the life of my child as well. And yet, there is fear.

I’m not out of the woods yet with this high risk pregnancy, and I won’t be until she gets here safely. I would be lying if I told you I was walking into her entrance to this world without fear. But then again I am reminded that when I am weak, He is strong. When my faith is weak, He is still strong. When I am afraid of things to come, He is still strong. And I remember. I remember all that He has done already, everything He has carried me through to bring me to this moment…and I know. God is for me. He is for this little one. He is not against us. The same Heavenly Father who formed this tiny life in my womb out of nothing, will be the same one who breathes His breath into her lungs as she comes into this world.

I have fear…but I also have Faith.

I often feel like Peter, with moments of faith so powerful that I believe I can step out of the safety of my boat and walk toward Jesus on the water, forgetting the word “impossible” for a brief moment and fully trusting in His power to enable me to become part of the miraculous. And then, just like Peter, I glance to the side for just a moment, I see the waves. I remember how small and mortal I am, and I begin to sink back into my fear. The water below my feet which previously remained as a stepping stone to Jesus, suddenly becomes the very thing I am afraid of, and the miraculous quickly begins to feel “unsafe” to me…when moments ago it was the safest thing I knew.

Peter loved Jesus, and yet He still struggled with his own humanity. This is where the beauty of Grace enters in.

I believe that during the hardest years of our infertility, my faith was actually at its strongest point, just as Peter’s was when He walked towards Jesus atop the tumultuous waves. It’s almost as if the scariest moments of my life somehow brought me the closest to Jesus I had ever been. And then the miracle came…I became pregnant…Peter walked on the water. And as soon as Jesus answered us with the miracle…we both let go a little bit. We began to look around at the world and it’s brokenness, and somehow swiftly forgot the very power that was allowing us to do the impossible right in that very moment.

You see, faith is never done growing

You see, faith is never done growing. God will continue to grow us everyday of our lives. Just because one obstacle is overcome, doesn’t mean our testimonies are complete. There are seasons of joy mixed right in with seasons of uncertainty. The truth is, while we pray for and often receive miracles, our stories don’t end there. There is still real life to be lived after the miracle arrives. I felt ashamed at my fear over this pregnancy at first, as if I was neglecting all the beautiful things God had just done in my life to bring me to this point. I felt guilt over feeling afraid after just walking through the battle against infertility. But I’m realizing now that all of this is just another opportunity for undeserved Grace, another chance to step out of the boat and walk on the water. It’s another moment for God to keep pulling back my layers and permeating my heart.

As long as we have breath in our lungs, He is not finished pursuing the depths of our hearts.

Motherhood is the next chapter in this testimony that God is writing for me. It’s the answer to all my prayers, and at the same time it’s the challenge to all of my fears. I know God has beautiful things in store, and I know there will be hard moments laced in there as well. But no matter what the season, whether quiet or loud, joyful or difficult, new or seasoned, I pray that Jesus will keep calling me to step out of my boat and to keep trusting Him to enable me to walk on waters I didn’t know I could. I pray He keeps raising up this testimony. I pray He keeps challenging me like He did Peter. Because I know that Jesus is the absence of all my fear even in the presence of it.